I’ve often tried to write something funny about one of my talentless fantasy teams, but I don’t think I’ve ever been able to pen something as amusing as the Onion’s latest: Fantasy Baseball Owner Rips Team In Media.

Mendicus continued his heated rant, calling shortstop Felipe Lopez a “talentless hack whose multiple position eligibility is the only thing saving his ass from waivers,” claiming that pitcher Ian Snell is “killing [him] in WHIP, absolutely killing [him],” and encouraging outfielder Brad Hawpe to “go eat shit.” He then accused the whole team of not stealing enough bases and “not playing like true Beat With Uggla Sticks.”